By Caitlin Winkler, PLPC

Becoming a more positive parent does not mean always looking on the bright side and sugar-coating life with your child.  It doesn't have to be silly, corny, or uncomfortable.  It also does not mean never telling your child "no."  Again, there is a time and place for using these words and phrases.  This style focuses your attention on the positive actions, behaviors, and thoughts your child exhibits more than the negative.  It involves making positively-worded statements toward your child significantly more often than negatively worded statements.  Using these toward your child encourages them to continue a wanted behavior and still maintains your authority.

To break it down, positive parenting involves using positive praises and positive directives.  Positive praises are used at any time.  They are meant to reinforce wanted behaviors and words.  Positive directives (or called positive opposites) teach your child what actions you are wanting them to have.

Continuing the list from the previous post, here are six more ideas of how you can be a more positive parent to your son or daughter.

6. Be aware of positive opposites.  Positive opposites teach your child what TO DO instead of limiting the message about what not to do.  Instead of saying "Don't hit or kick other kids" the positive opposite would be "Keep your hands and feet to yourself."  Another example would be, "Quit whining and fussing" turns into "Use your words."

7. Keep statements clear and concise. If you are giving a positively worded directive to your child, be clear about what is expected while keeping your directions from turning into a lecture.

8. Stick with it and be flexible.  If this is new in your household, it may take some time for everyone to adjust.  Keep working with your child and you will see them change as well as your relationship.  And be flexible.  Some kids are motivated by a simple "Great job cleaning your room today" while others need high-fives, positive praises, and other reinforcements.  Think of what motivates your kid and use that.

9. When providing positive directives, keep your voice firm and calm.  Communicate to your child you mean business while also being in control of your own words and actions.  Lashing out in anger completely erases the positive message.  Children learn by example, and it starts with the adults in his or her world.

10. Becoming a more positive parent seems to be geared toward younger children, however, this style can be used with older kids as well.  Adjust as you see fit, but the basic ideas are the same!

11. Seek advice and help from friends, family, and professionals.  No one is perfect and has this whole parenting thing figured out.  It is a challenge!  Reach out to people when you need some encouragement, tips, and help.

By Caitlin Winkler, PLPC

"Stop," "Don't," "No," and a list of similar words are common when correcting a child. At times, it may feel like these are the only words we know or that come out of our mouths.  Every child is learning the do's and don'ts in life when they are growing up.  "Stop pestering your sister," "Don't touch the hot stove," and "No yelling in the car," are all examples of basic skills we were taught.  There is definitely a time and place for phrases like these, but all too often our parenting phrase repertoire mainly consists of statements telling our children what NOT to do.  In the heat of the moment, it is easy to focus on what behavior you want to stop. In the long run it is not necessarily the best solution. By slightly altering our way of thinking and talking, we can help improve behavior and create a more positive environment. 

Think of the last thing you praised your child for doing or saying.  Can you remember?  Some people feel silly and robotic when praising children and this may be part of why we choose not to praise them enough.  At first, especially if this is a new concept, it may feel just like that.  Once you start seeing results, it will come more naturally and be more genuine.  

Here are the first five ideas to help you start this new style of parenting... 

1. Find ANYTHING positive your child does or says and state out loud, with enthusiasm, how awesome it was.  "Johnny, thank you so much for washing your hands!" or "I appreciate you arriving home before curfew, Bethany." This can especially important when you beginning this process. 

2. Avoid saying "Good job" or another vague positive statement. Be specific about why you are proud of them. "Emily, you are doing a great job sharing your toys with Natalie!"

3. Use their name often when making your statement.  This creates a sense of ownership and pride.

4. Show your excitement!  Use your tone of voice, body language, eye contact, and actions to convey your message.  Utilizing clapping, high-fives, fist bumps, affectionately squeezing a shoulder, telling everyone you meet what a great thing your child just did, or a secret handshake are a few examples of some simple tools.  There are times where "throwing a party" is necessary to get the message across that the type of action or words they just had is exactly what you need from them.  For example, if you are teaching responsibility by directing your child to clean up toys after playing and in the past this has been a battle, you would very enthusiastically clap, state positively worded phrases, and perhaps say "Wahoo!" or jump up and down when the child complies with your directions.  For others on the outside looking in, you may look very silly, but when your child beams with pride and continues to pick up toys, it will be worth it!  Get excited when your child does the right thing!

5. Make sure your positives outweigh your negatives. For every negatively worded statement, try to have ten positives.  Again, even if it is a small thing, praise your child for making a great choice.

Use these as a starting point for your communication with your child. Remember, these can work at any age. Stay tuned for more ideas on how to positively communicate your expectations to your child.

By Caitlin Winkler, PLPC

Parenting: It can be one of the most physically, mentally, and emotionally demanding jobs in the world. It can bring great pain and hardship, with many trials and tests of will.  This job is not for the weak. Day in and day out you are on-the-clock. There are no vacations, no sick-leave, and not any paid time off. It is a 365/24/7 job.

We spend a lot of time preparing and working for our careers, but I believe one of the greatest tasks we have ever been assigned is raising our children. We are preparing the future teachers, doctors, farmers, and world-changers.  Because it is such a demanding and tough thing, wouldn't it make sense to need some amount of preparation and training?  Yet, most of us don't even have a class in high school that teaches basic child care. 

We learn from our own personal experiences with our parents or caregivers growing up.  We learn about what to do, and sometimes what not to do.  We may end up believing that parenting will come naturally and easily.

But what if you do not have the "picture perfect child"?  Does anyone?  Children can be unpredictable and are ever-changing.  They are constantly learning and growing, soaking up the world around them.  Within two years they move from completely helpless to extremely strong-willed and independent.  They begin to learn numbers and letters, silly songs and sayings, and before you know it, school begins.  Their days are filled with learning and new friends, but occasionally this time can be extremely difficult. 

The school age can bring its own set of challenges to many children.  From social issues, to learning disorders, extracurricular activities, and homework, life can become stressful and chaotic.  Many parents are ready for this stage to be over - and then it is.  Children grow up to become young adults and perhaps start their career or continue their education in college. Once across that bridge, your title as parent still stands, but you move from being primary caretaker to helper and "sharer of wisdom". 

With each stage your child goes through, you, as mom or dad, run a parallel course to theirs.  You too are always changing and learning to adapt as a parent.  Without significant and continued training for this monumental challenge, the day-in-day-out job can be overwhelmingly hard at times (though always worth it, am I right?).  It is impossible to know how to handle all the situations that child rearing can throw your way. 

If you can relate, you should know you are not alone.  It can be easy to believe you are the only one who has ever been through this and you may think you need to know all the answers.  But know this: You are NOT alone and you do NOT need to have it all figured out.  Find someone, somewhere who can share in your challenges.  As the saying goes, "It takes a village to raise a child." 

Be sure to find time to recharge and renew yourself.  Many parents feel guilty for spending time away, but even if it is just a couple of hours, self-care can make a major difference in how you manage the stress and pressure of being a parent! 

There are many resources out there such as kidshealth.org and pbs.org/parents with great strategies to utilize. Some also have free apps that are downloadable straight to your phone. 

If you are looking for techniques to establish (or re-establish) your role as parent.  Check out 1,2,3 Magic and Love and Logic, which have books, online pages, and videos.

If you believe professional help would benefit you or your child, please reach out!  At Unlimited Potential, we understand these issues both on a professional and personal level.  We would love to work with your family to help overcome the challenges in your world.

Caitlin Winkler is a Provisionally Licensed Professional Counselor at Unlimited Potential Counseling & Education Center in O’Fallon. Caitlin iis under the clinical supervision of Emily Kircher-Morris, LPC (MO #2012026754).

By Emily Kircher-Morris, LPC

​As parents, we’ve all been there. Your child calls her sister a name, replies to you with a sarcastic tone of voice, or any other typical childish behavior that warrants an apology.

“Now say you’re sorry,” we tell them.

Embarrassed, or angry, or exasperated, we get an apology: A muttered “Sorry” and a quick exit.
Apologies are hard for all of us. How can we help our children grow through the process of making an apology? How can we help them know that a one-word apology doesn’t actually make a difference when it is nothing more than a platitude? How can we help them experience the relief and reprieve of admitting a wrong and the benefit it gives both people involved?

Part of the reason that making an apology is so difficult for individuals of all ages is because it requires us to show ultimate vulnerability. We have to admit that what we did was wrong and we recognize the harm it caused. Any apology with less than full acceptance of responsibility of wrong-doing is ineffective.

Many of the children and teens I work with in my practice are perfectionists. This makes recognizing a mistake and apologizing for it especially difficult. Not only do they have to admit their mistake to themselves, they also must then publicly request forgiveness. This skill is an important in overcoming perfectionism: Helping them recognize that it is okay to make mistakes and push through the uncomfortable feeling of admitting their mistakes is a big part of overcoming perfectionism.

Here are the four steps that you can walk your child through to make an effective apology.

1. While making eye contact, say, “I am sorry…” Don’t let them skate with just “sorry.” Emphasize the whole piece. The “I am” emphasizes personal responsibility. It is also much more difficult to say “I am sorry” with a sneer than just a one-word response.
2. Have them follow up with exactly why they are sorry: “…for lying about my homework,” “…for bumping into you on the stairs,” or “for calling you a jerk.” Be specific and try to keep them from making excuses along with this. Let kids know they can apologize for their role in a situation even if they feel they were also wronged. For example, “I am sorry for calling you a jerk when you took my toy,” excuses the blame for their own piece of the exchange.
3. Teach them to acknowledge the emotions their behavior caused in the other person. “I know you felt angry when this happened,” or “I know I made you feel sad.” This is an integral piece of building empathy. By challenging your child to think about the other person’s emotions, you build perspective taking and interpersonal communication. Being able to compartmentalize their own emotions and imagine how another person is feeling is an important piece of building emotional intelligence.
4. As the final piece of the apology, the child should explain how he will work to change in the future so he doesn’t repeat the action. “Next time, I’m going to try to walk away before I get mad,” or “I’m going to make sure that I tell the truth if this happens again.” Help your child develop a plan for how they are going to fix the problem going forward.

You may have to work with your child on one step at a time. I have found the third step (recognizing another’s emotions) is often the most difficult for kids to do. Tweak these steps to make them work for your child. For example, you might ask your child to write his or her apology if speaking it aloud is too difficult or emotional. Or, you could allow your child to do the first two steps to the person that has been wronged and simply talk about the second two steps privately, until they are ready to integrate them into the apology. Remember that apologies also don’t necessarily have to be immediate; if your child’s emotions are too strong just after a situation to say they are sorry, give them time to cool down and process. Just don’t forget to follow up.
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Making an effective apology is more than good manners. When done appropriately, effective apologies build emotional awareness, increase the ability to show vulnerability within relationships, and teach children that when we place others’ emotions first, we have stronger relationships.