By Emily Kircher-Morris, LPC

​As parents, we’ve all been there. Your child calls her sister a name, replies to you with a sarcastic tone of voice, or any other typical childish behavior that warrants an apology.

“Now say you’re sorry,” we tell them.

Embarrassed, or angry, or exasperated, we get an apology: A muttered “Sorry” and a quick exit.
Apologies are hard for all of us. How can we help our children grow through the process of making an apology? How can we help them know that a one-word apology doesn’t actually make a difference when it is nothing more than a platitude? How can we help them experience the relief and reprieve of admitting a wrong and the benefit it gives both people involved?

Part of the reason that making an apology is so difficult for individuals of all ages is because it requires us to show ultimate vulnerability. We have to admit that what we did was wrong and we recognize the harm it caused. Any apology with less than full acceptance of responsibility of wrong-doing is ineffective.

Many of the children and teens I work with in my practice are perfectionists. This makes recognizing a mistake and apologizing for it especially difficult. Not only do they have to admit their mistake to themselves, they also must then publicly request forgiveness. This skill is an important in overcoming perfectionism: Helping them recognize that it is okay to make mistakes and push through the uncomfortable feeling of admitting their mistakes is a big part of overcoming perfectionism.

Here are the four steps that you can walk your child through to make an effective apology.

1. While making eye contact, say, “I am sorry…” Don’t let them skate with just “sorry.” Emphasize the whole piece. The “I am” emphasizes personal responsibility. It is also much more difficult to say “I am sorry” with a sneer than just a one-word response.
2. Have them follow up with exactly why they are sorry: “…for lying about my homework,” “…for bumping into you on the stairs,” or “for calling you a jerk.” Be specific and try to keep them from making excuses along with this. Let kids know they can apologize for their role in a situation even if they feel they were also wronged. For example, “I am sorry for calling you a jerk when you took my toy,” excuses the blame for their own piece of the exchange.
3. Teach them to acknowledge the emotions their behavior caused in the other person. “I know you felt angry when this happened,” or “I know I made you feel sad.” This is an integral piece of building empathy. By challenging your child to think about the other person’s emotions, you build perspective taking and interpersonal communication. Being able to compartmentalize their own emotions and imagine how another person is feeling is an important piece of building emotional intelligence.
4. As the final piece of the apology, the child should explain how he will work to change in the future so he doesn’t repeat the action. “Next time, I’m going to try to walk away before I get mad,” or “I’m going to make sure that I tell the truth if this happens again.” Help your child develop a plan for how they are going to fix the problem going forward.

You may have to work with your child on one step at a time. I have found the third step (recognizing another’s emotions) is often the most difficult for kids to do. Tweak these steps to make them work for your child. For example, you might ask your child to write his or her apology if speaking it aloud is too difficult or emotional. Or, you could allow your child to do the first two steps to the person that has been wronged and simply talk about the second two steps privately, until they are ready to integrate them into the apology. Remember that apologies also don’t necessarily have to be immediate; if your child’s emotions are too strong just after a situation to say they are sorry, give them time to cool down and process. Just don’t forget to follow up.
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Making an effective apology is more than good manners. When done appropriately, effective apologies build emotional awareness, increase the ability to show vulnerability within relationships, and teach children that when we place others’ emotions first, we have stronger relationships.