​Are Your Emotions Influencing How You Communicate?

By Andrea Schramm, LPC

Our emotions are a natural, powerful information gathering system allowing us to quickly gather information about our own experiences and those of the people around us. Emotions are part of our communication system and influence our social connections with others. Emotions are also physical. We all know the word “feeling” associated with our emotional experiences.

So how do our emotions and our ability to understand and manage them connect us with others in both intimate and social relationships? How can we communicate successfully incorporating our emotions?

Emotions inform communication. “I feel good…I don’t like her…Yes, I’d love to have dinner tonight…Yuk, I hate sushi.” These are all examples of how emotions inform. Emotional experiences are often connected to our past experiences, our learning history. We experience emotions associated with events we have at some point had before which form our emotional response: “The first time I ate sushi, it was disgusting. It makes me ‘feel’ sick.” We can become programmed to respond emotionally to experiences we’ve had previously.

Here are some tips for communicating using emotionally informed behaviors:

1. When communicating through emotions, use the phrase “I feel...” Using this statement helps inform you and the other person regarding your emotion and avoids an accusatory approach such as, “You make me feel...” Avoid using the word “you” unless paying a compliment such as “You make me happy,” or “I feel happy.”
2. Practice awareness of your own emotions. Using “I feel” can support your own ability to label and manage emotions you experience. Learning to identify and be responsible for managing our own emotions supports healthy communication with others.
3. Engage in some deep breathes to reduce and redirect negative emotions. Learning to reduce and redirect negative emotions can reduce stress.
4. Make statements that communicate to the other person how your emotions inform you. “I feel if we spend too much on dinner this month, we won’t be able to pay the mortgage, when this happens, I feel angry.” This approach moves feelings and emotions forward and engages the problem-solving portion of our brain.
5. Emotions inform and can create connections, problem-solving creates long-term intimacy through shared experiences. Figuring out together how to enjoy dinners out and pay the mortgage provides a shared experience that fosters intimacy and positive emotional experiences. Emotions alone won’t sustain a long-term relationship. Moving through emotions, using the information they provide to problem-solve builds intimacy.

​Remember, emotions inform. Take some time to acknowledge and think about your own emotions. Why do you think you feel as you do? What past experiences formed the emotional responses you have? Learning to understand emotional responses can build a stronger sense of self and teach us to use emotions to build positive relationships with each other. 

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