The Trouble with Disciplining Bright Kids

By Emily Kircher-Morris, LPC

Yelling? Check.
Taking their phone? Check.
Grounding for a month? Check.

​But what is a parent to do when none of these seem to work anymore? Maybe you get a shrug as your child shuffles to his or her room or a grumble as they turn over their phone. Your child seems immune to any consequence you try to implement.

What now?

The most effective punishments are those that are natural and logical. But, sending a bright kid to their room isn't too much of a punishment if he can spend an hour folding a scrap of paper into an origami Yoda or be happy staring at the ceiling, imagining the next Minecraft world he's going to build.

Ultimately, these punishments are based on the removal of a preferred activity or item. The goal of any punishment is to teach a child healthy and productive ways to behave.

What if we focus on the learning part of the mistake? What if we make the goal of any consequence an opportunity for coaching to create real-world connections to help a child understand why it is important not to make the same mistake again? Make the consequence a chance to engage higher-level thinking skills like analyzing the situation and creating new solution.

Natural consequences:
Consequences that occur naturally without parent intervention. A child who refuses to wear a coat to school will be cold.
Logical consequences:
Consequences imposed by a parent which are logically connected to the infraction committed. A child doesn't put his bike away, so the privilege of riding his bike is removed for a set amount of time.
Restorative consequences:
Opportunities for the child to "right the wrong" through service work, researching, and collaborative problem solving.

For example, my son refused to wear a bike helmet more than once. Instead of taking his bike away, he had to research and find information about the risks associated with bike helmet safety and regulations. It was time consuming. I had to help him through the process. It also kept him from his preferred activities, but, it was engaging. It allowed him to create new connections in his awareness of the topic. It was much more effective than me lecturing him, too. And when he was able to share his learning, he felt  proud of his work instead of ashamed of his mistake.

The downside of restorative consequences it takes effort, time, and creativity on the part of the parent. However, the long-term benefit in learning and the relationship it fosters between you and your child will be worth the effort.